buong araw akong umasa na dadating..
na, susurpresahin mo nanamam ako..
hinintay kita..
hinanap kita kahit pa alam kong kahit anino mo ay hinid ko matatagpuan..
iniisip ko noon,
na babalik ka..
iniisip ko noon,
na makikita kita sa araw na iyon..
na pagkatapos kong umakyat sa entablado ay ikaw ang sasalubong sa akin upang batiin ako..
pero natapos ang araw nang hindi ko man lang narinig ang boses..
hindi ko man lang nahawakan ang mga kamay ko...
hindi ka dumating..
nasaktan ako....
hindi ko matanggap na sa isa sa mga pinakaimportanteng araw ko ay wala ka para samahan ako..
wala ka doon para kamayan ako..
wala ka doon para palakpakan ako......
superhero ka diba??
bat hindi mo nagawang pumunta nung kailangan kita????
nag-iisip. nag-iisip.
sino nga ba naman ang nagsabi sa kanya na patayin nya sarili nya? sinabihan ko ba syang maglasing? tsaka, hindi ko sya papatawarin dahil lang magpapakamatay sya kung hindi! Aba! ano namang pakialam ko kung magpakamatay sya? hindi ko naman siguro dapat sisihin ang sarili ko kapag nangyari iyon diba? desisyon iyon ng magaling niyang utak. at lalong hindi naman ako ang 'magaling niyang utak' kaya talagang dapat ay hindi ako mabahala...
gago siya...naaasar ako dahil kahit anong pilit ko sa sarili kong isipin na hindi ako nag-aalala e nag-aalala pa rin talaga ako..argh!!!!!
i'm happy today...
not totally though..
.....
today's mariel lao's birthday..
her 17th bday...
but i don't think she's enjoying this day....
nyak...
wala po kasing nakasama sa kanya to celebrate her bday eh...
i suppose that sucks....
sayang nga e...
we we're actually planning to surprise her..
pero...
wala namang dumating...
akala ko nga hini din sya pupunta ng school e...
pagdating ko kasi kanina wala sya...
tapos un pala..
dumating sya...
sadness....
....
you told me your story..
is it the truth?
or...
will believing it make me stay in this fantasy world?
is it just something that anyone would say so as not to lose someone??
.....
dear truth,
was that you talking to me earlier?
was that your voice?
was that your voice?
should i be happy now?
should i be contented?
should i not doubt you anymore?
truth,
do you also lie?
.......
Dear soul,
when i looked at you earlier...
it seemed like you were hiding something..
it seemed like you're keeping a secret...
there were pearls running down your cheeks..
were those your tears?
your hair...
it's turning white...
is this what time is doing to you?
do age too?
i felt your pain when i looked at your eyes..
they were black
and deep..
as if your were in a trance
as if you see nothing
as if you were blind...
is that the reason why you look so strong?
.................
January 25, 2007
no!
I'm not okay!
i don't feel well..
and i don't like this feeling..
i don't like being alone...
want to know why i don't hang out with you guys anymore?
because doing so makes me feel more alone than when i am by myself..
hearing all of you laugh,
hearing all of you chat about everything you did last time you were together,
crashes my skull...
it splits my heart..
it is a fork that stabs my aorta...
it is a crown of thorns that is stucked in my head...
it is a venom that quickly runs through my bloodstream, approaching my brain...
this is how i feel...
this is the truth...
i don't feel good..
i can't contain it anymore!!
quit asking me if i'm okay!!!!!!!!!!
you tell me that i'm insensitive...
but hell..
all of you don't have a clue on how i feel..
you don't even try to know..
you ask..
but only for the sake of asking..
not because you really want to know...
you find comfort in making others miserable!!
you find peace by making others confused...
how?
how was i able to endure you?
and why i am still there when you need me?
why?
maybe because you are a friend...
you are my bestfriend...
and whatever happens..
you will still be my bestfriend...
i have to stand by you..
not because it is my obligation...
but because i want to...
because i love you...
i know i shouldn't be writing any of these...
but i have to let these out..
i have to have an outlet....
i want to tell these to all of you...
but i know you won't understand a word...
you won't understand me..
you never did...
just...
let me have more of this loneliness...
of this misery..
this agony...
because maybe...
i'll get used to it...
don't ask me anymore questions...
because..
it makes me long for you guys...
i makes me uncomfortable in this dark, empty room i'm in...
talking to me won't make me feel any better...
i'll make things worse...
perhaps....
this is partly my goodbye...
farewell mon ami...
farewell to most of you...
i am, indeed, detaching myself from most of you...
maybe temporarily...
but somehow, i want this detachment to be permanent....
i'm sorry...
maybe...
this is what solitary brings...
January 22, 2007
number one...
is happiness...
extreme happiness..
YEHEY!!!!
hahaha
finally, natupad din ang pangarap ko...
sa UP Diliman ako.. (first choice)
BS Economics ang course (first choice din)
o diba...
ang yabang ko masyado...
kelangan ko pa talagang sabihn na first choice ko un...
at dahil nagmamayabang na nga din naman ako..
sasabihin ko na din to...
i also passed the ADMUCET
and DLSUCET...
actually nasulat ko na yun before e..
hmm..update lang e..
my scholarship na ako sa la salle....
o dba...
sosyal talaga
kilig factors...
31 days....
have you ever thought it would stay this long?
nyahaha...
.......
t'was sweet though...
the cake was sweet...
nyahaha
nakakaumay nga lang din...
=P
is the worst feeling you'd feel
misery....
and i'm sorry that i am...
i keep on doing things without thinking of what you might feel...
i'm sorrydiana...
i'm sorry for a stone in your shoe..
i can't blame you for hating me...
i can't blame her, nor them, for you hating me...
i have my share of faults...
i'm sorry for wronging you...
for all the unconscious pains that i gave you,
i'm sorry..
i don't expect you to forgive nor talk to me just yet...
i know you'll need time...
i know you'll need space...
and these two, i will give you....
if that's what you need..
if that would make you feel better...
i'll respect you...
i'm sorry....
January 19, 2007...
blah.....
why do you keep on hurting me?
why do you have to show yourself up?
why can't you just hide in the shadow of lies?
it pains me to know you..
you make me feel worthless..
you make me feel vulnerable..
please...
just...leave me alone...
let me stay in this world...
this world that i created on my own...
in here, i feel immortal..
i feel like i don't need anything to live..
i don't even need air to breathe...
here...
i'm perfect...
i don't need you just yet..
call me coward if you want to..
but calling me that won't give me courage to face you..
it won't do good to either of us..
i will still hide from you..
i will still runaway from you...
the truth about you is that you keep on thinking that we want you,,
that we need you...
but no..
that's not always the situation..
now..
now that i've had a glimpse of your light..
i feel paralyzed..
as if you took my strength..
the strength that posses when i am in my world...
i feel like i lost my backbone..
its as if everything fell into pieces..
including I......
including us.....
oh...truth...
i hate you...
if i have to meet you in order to be healed, to be whole...
i'd rather choose to be broken..
i'd rather choose to stay the way i am right now..
i don't want to continue experiencing this agony that comes with you...
......
please.....
just...
leave me alone......
waiii....
nakakakaba 'tong araw na 'to...
ahehehe.....
grabe naman un...
......kaba moments....
- nagkita kami nila ma'am dumaya (teacher namin sa journalism) tsaka ni sir escote (adviser ng school paper namin) sa starbucks... o diba? sosyal!!! hahaha... as in gulat na gulat ung effect ng mukha ko nung nakita ko teacher ko...aba... syempre naman noh.. ayun... e kasi,,,,nung class namin with her, medyo, parang nagwala lang ako ng onti...hindi naman talaga nagwala...nagladlad lang....hahahha.... e kasi may game something sya...so ako naman (epal) nagprisinta...ayun... tawa lang ako ng tawa kasi ung bestfriend ko, medyo may topak..sagot nang sagot kahit nabigay na yung tamang sagot...hahahah...ang babaw ko noh,....asar pa nga e...mananalo na kasi sana ako dun sa game...pero epal si emperiora!!! tinuturuan ung kalaban ko!!!! aba... ayun... natalo ako...hahhahaa... as if... toblerone ung price...hahahha.
- nabalitaan ko na may results na daw ung dlsu college entrance exam..hmm... ayun... sa internet daw nakapost...syempre...natakot din ako na baka hindi ako pumasa... asin kaba to the nth level...pero ayos lang... kasi wala rin naman talaga akong planong mag-aral dun...pero mas masaya pag pumasa ako....ayun...taeng tae na nga ako sa kaba e................pagka check ko naman...pasado naman daw ako...human-biology course ko... yun ung first choice ko... o dba... sosyal!!! taray!!!!!
- (eto na talaga yung pinakanakakakaba!!!!!)..... kasi... we have this group... it's called CG (short for cavite gang)... ayun... e ung mga kasama dun mga tomador, tanggera, at lasinggera... tapos... niregaluhan kami ng isang original member (si patricia...pero di na sya sumasama sa mga lakad ng CG)...ayun... nakasulat dun sa wrapper "drink moderately"...edi syempre initial guess namin, alak ung laman... na excite na tuloy kami to the point na tinawag na namin lahat ng members ng group... tapos.. kinalog kalog namin... may tumunog na parang glass... lalo kaming na excite kasi syempre ready na ready nang mag-inuman...tapos ayun... eto na......moment of truth.... tinanggal namin ung wrapper...tapos binukas ung box...ampucha.... pag bukas namin... puro lang cups...as in... kasing size ng tea cup...pero cute naman... hehhehe... sana nga shot glass nalang e..para talagang ganun yung effect...hahaha... ayun...pero...nevertheless... tuwa pa rin kami...syempre naalala kami ni pat...touch naman kami....ahahahahah.....
ang tagal ko na palang hindi nagpopost...
ow well....
ang dami nang nangyari...
hmm...december 18 = the butterfly effect
december 20 = danztravanganzaso...
here's the story...
once there was this princess who is so beautiful and glamorous and leggy and spectacular and, well, perfect..
she's just plain perfect..
she lives in this castle where everything glows..
she had billions of suitors...
and, well, her suitors, they bring gazillions of gifts for her..
her mom and dad (the queen and king of the land) are so proud of her..
so, anyway..
time passed by
and she got married to an equally 'perfect' guy (or prince)
and they lived happily ever after..
but my story has nothing to do with her..
or with her castle..
or her mom and dad...
or the equally 'perfect' prince (or guy)...
(yuck ang corny ko)so aun..
totoo na to...
may dalawang butterflies
preserved butterflies
nakalagay sa frame
sa glass frame..
it was a gift..
aun
end of story... :)
december 21 = nothing importantfirst day of fair..
aun..
tumakas ako sa guard dahil ayaw nya kami palabasin ng gate...
hello?!?!?!
pinayagan na kaya ako lumabas!!!
tsaka..
aalis lang naman ako para magpasa ng scholarship form ko e..
is that so hard to understand?!?!?!
asshole talaga ung guard na un.......hmpt!!so aun...
hindi ko napanood ng buo ung danztra...
na late kasi ako ng balik sa school e..
aun...
bad trip nga e...
natalo ung cg/sd/ t.g.dong
haay...
akala namin panalo na kami..
pero ayun...
wala naman kaming magagawa e...
hindi importante...
walang astig na nangyari
december 22 =
chocolate chip cookies
bunso
battle of the bands
dance night
pink cheeks
numb feet
barista
mineral water
selos flicks
elepanteng pillow
mfg
plume
waltz
doing: composing an entry...
..scratching my head..
...waiting for a text message..
...thinking of my assignment..i haven't done any..
....
hoping: there won't be any classes tom...though i know there will be...yuck.. switch days...
..there isn't any problem...
...for something to happen
waaaaiiiii!!!
birthday ni denib and xanto today!!
wehehe..
happy birthday sa inyo...
pati na rin kay manny pacquioa
masaya ngayong araw na to..
well..
kse..pinansin na ako ni diana..
actually,,
i've been so quiet (ok not really) for the past 2 weeks because of her, us...
basta...
nagtampo sya e...
nalungkot naman ako...
sad nga e...
pero..
aun...
andun pa rin naman ung iba na pinapasaya talaga ako..
so ayos na din...
hmm...
wala akong masulat..
ummm
congratulations kla aimes..
nanalo sila sa something e...
di ko lang lam kung anu...
pero un...
eheheh......
...my xmas wish list:
- barista.. yah..that thermos from starbucks.. o... paul already got me one...
- mojofly album.. hahha.. gaya lang kay marife..
- orange bag.. la lang..
- mp99...hahaha.. plsssss.....
- peace on earth... whatever!!
whoaho...
first entry ko to...
nyahaha...
hmmm.... this day's kinda fun...
i had a lot of time to hang-out with my friend...
hahah... wala kaseng pasok ngayon e....
teacher's day daw...
anyway...
so...
spent the whole day playing badminton (with joel, teehna, lehi, and marco..)and stuff...
hmmm..
na mimiss ko na ung raketa ko...
the yonex mp27 thing...
sira kse ung string e...
so i had to use another racket...
ang baba ng tension...and pangit tuloy ng mga palo ko.....
aun..
paul texted me earlier..
he said he got me my gift..
the barista thing..
and of course the letter from him..
i appreciated it..sobra...
la lang...
minsan lang kase masunod ung wish ko e...
and nasunod xa this christmas...
and cuteeeeeee.........
........hindi ako makakasama kila denib...
sayang...birthday pa naman nila ni chrisanto...
double celebration sana....
ako lang yata ung hindi pupunta e....
haaayyyy....
i sooooo hate it.....
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